When anxiety affects your memory

For as long as I can remember I have struggled to hold information in my head. I was a 'crammer' at school and university because I knew I'd never sustain the things I needed to revise for long enough.

I wrote my dissertation in just 3 days and even after my degree when I was training as a teacher I remember writing essays the night before they were due in and other students getting really frustrated with me because they'd spent weeks on theirs and we got the same grades.

My mum always walks into a room and forgets what she walked in for, I do the same, especially as I've got older and I have an annoying habit of having to say something the minute it comes into my head as I know if I don't it'll be gone within seconds.

I remember being in a meeting a couple of years ago and I was told I didn't need to write anything down as the deck would be shared with me, and I had to explain that if I didn't write it down I may as well not be there as it won't be going in. As a Brand Manager I remember justifying to sales colleagues that I wasn't holding them to what they were saying, I was writing it down for my benefit only.

Ironic really all these things that I can remember.

As my anxiety got worse this year I felt it becoming more and more apparent that I was struggling to hold on to information. I would interview for jobs and forget names of customers or work that I'd previously done. Menial home chores that needed doing that I would spot as I walked around the house, I'd forget about unless I put it on my 'to do' list.

I had post its literally all around my house, but especially on my front door so I was constantly reminded of things that I shouldn't forget and I had about 3 million (definitely an exaggeration) notebooks for all different types of things that I needed to write down.

So when I came across this article during lockdown, some things started to make sense, and it's fascinating.

https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20200611-how-anxiety-affects-your-focus

According to this article, researchers in Notre Dame in 2011 sought to figure out what it is that when we walk into a room we forget what we went in for. The study showed that the act of walking through a doorway, effectively a 'location change', triggers our brain to shed data to make space for more, because our brains are only designed to hold a certain amount of information.

Their research has shown that rapidly changing circumstances, worry and anxiety can all have a significant impact on our ability to focus.

Starting to make some sense?

Yep, Covid brought us all of the above, right?

I had many conversations with my mental health nurse about whether my anxiety and depression was covid related, and I was certain it wasn't - and still think that. However, the uncertainty that came with lockdown threw me into a huge spin. For someone that needed to control everything in her life and have plans for every day for the next month or so, the idea of having all of that taken away sent me spiralling.

However, now looking back, it was also probably one of the most catalytic things that could have happened to force change into my life. I had to learn to let go of everything, to control nothing, and live day by day. And it's been a breath of fresh air.

I still struggle with the feeling that I am 'burying my head in the sand', afterall I am still unemployed (technically) and have a mortgage to pay for and 2 aging dogs to keep alive. But, I am coming to terms with the acceptance that there is no point in worrying about something a month away because I will only worry about it then too - so I'm adding extra worry.

I don't think it's a coincidence that my anxiety and depression peaked in lockdown, and as much as I wasn't at all frightened by covid and I avoided the news and social media, my peak was down to the anxiety of lack of control.

I am also struggling with terrible insomnia, for most of lockdown I was medicated with sleeping pills, and still often take them, and this article suggests that sustained anxiety causes insomnia, and lack of sleep impairs your working memory. Go figure.

So it feels a bit of a catch 22 and whilst I think my depression will go away, I don't believe my anxiety ever will. So do I have to accept that I'm very unlikely to have a working memory ever again? Perhaps CBT for anxiety could relieve some symptoms and ultimately make my memory better?

Did you notice your anxiety got worse during lockdown? Have you struggled with memory or distraction when trying to complete everyday tasks? Have you found any solutions?